What Is Biblical Submission in Marriage?
by David K. Bernard
Podcast recording (no venue stated in the delivered transcript)
Kind: teaching
Scripture: Ephesians 5:22, Colossians 3:18, Titus 2:5, 1 Peter 3:7, Proverbs 31, Acts 5:29, Ephesians 5:21-33

Source: https://acts238.life/repository/sermons/david-k-bernard--what-is-biblical-submission-in-marriage
Published by Acts 2:38 Life from the sermon transcript on that page.
Free to copy and share with attribution.

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let's try to delve into what the Biblical teaching truly is both of the common reactions you mentioned are based on a fundamental misunderstanding of submission in the New Testament so first of all I'd like to say that fundamentally marriage is a partnership in First Peter 3 7 the King James says heirs together of the grace of life so we are equal partners co-equal partners the fundamental relationship of a man and a woman is they join together to become one one new family unit and there's no Master Slave relationship they're Partners now God created the man and then he created Adam and then out of Adam's side he created Eve and he said I'll make the King James says and help meet for him help me it's two different words meat is an old-fashioned word meaning suitable so sometimes people say help me that's kind of a made-up word jamming those two words together and maybe thinking of the related term help mate but that's not what the Bible is saying what the Bible is saying God told Adam before he created Eve you know Adam named all the animals but none of the none of the animals were suitable companions for him Adam was alone no was there was none comparable to him and so God said I'm going to make a helper someone who can help him come alongside him who is suitable for him so there's an indication they're Partners they're they're equal they're related to each other and the ancient rabbis explain from that story God did not create the woman out of the man's head so that she would rule over him nor did he create the woman out of the man's feet so that he would rule over her but he created her out of his side so that she would be the he would love and cherish her she would be the closest thing to his heart so I think that is starting to capture what we really mean when we talk about the marriage relationship now Ephesians 5 and the other passage you mentioned do talk about a leadership role now some believe there should be no leadership role I do believe the husband and wife are co-equal Partners so that every may they must have common values common goals every major decision they should pray about it seek God seek appropriate counsel and make it together and if there's a big decision they don't agree on that's a good uh that's a red flag to say wait you need to pray more you need to study more you need to talk more because before you move forward you need to be in agreement that's fundamentally how a good marriage should work however in Every Family unit there needs to be a leader and I do believe God has chosen the man to be the leader and I think it's practical it's seen in biology throughout most of human history now today through modern technology and economics we can kind of blur this but if you take a look at the way God designed humans from the beginning obviously it takes both man and woman to procreate so in that sense their Partners they're equal the contribution genetically to that child is equal but the woman is designed to physically bear the child the woman is designed to physically nurture the child that's just a biological fact so the woman is more suited or designed to take care of the small children well obviously a pregnant woman or a woman with small children she cannot defend herself in the same way as a man can or he's even a woman who doesn't have children she cannot exert the amount of physical labor by herself suitable for the whole family so it's clear that God has designed the man and he's usually physically stronger and and suited to manual labor which throughout human history the the way most people have supported themselves is farming fishing Craftsmen it required a lot of manual work and so the man is suited to be the protector and the provider and even if the woman is just as physically strong if she's pregnant or she he has small children that she's nursing and tending or she's not capable of you know or she needs someone to help her and so the man is designed for that and if you if you just think of an example here here here comes wolves or here comes uh you know a robber you know the man is is supposed to defend his family protect his family provide for his family and to do that there's a principle in scripture and in human nature Authority equals responsibility so Authority is not just given so somebody can exercise as a dictator Authority is given to fulfill an important responsibility so God I do believe has given the man the responsibility foremost to provide for his family to protect his family now the woman is a partner in that if you if you look at the ideal woman in in Proverbs 31 she's a businesswoman she buys a field she plants she she makes crafts she sells them so the ideal woman is not excluded from being a businesswoman or working in the home outside the home you know being an economic partner equal to her husband she might even make more money than her husband that's not what I'm talking about I'm saying God has asked the man to take the responsibility to protect and provide and I believe even spiritually it should be the man who says let's pray as a family let's go to church as a family many times the woman does that maybe she has to do that and thank God for women who take the initiative I don't I don't uh criticize that but I'm saying God has asked the man to take the lead well if the man is supposed to be the primary leader then he must have the corresponding Authority so just to take like a simple example but but let's say he's working in the field let's say the woman is working in the home and and she's got two small children and and here's a wolf coming he yells out close the door well there's no time for arguing who why should I do what you say you know maybe you should close the door well no he has the responsibility for protection therefore there must be a corresponding Authority will do what he says so that he can do his job so it doesn't mean he has a right to come in to order people around beat people up you know abuse people verbally or physically or demand my needs first but in the Fulfillment of his leadership role his wife his children should respect that they should cooperate they should work together so if he says let's go to church they should go to church now that does not give any license as I've already said for physical verbal abuse or contrary to God's will there's a basic principle acts 5 29 we should obey God rather than man so let's talk a little bit more about what does it mean to submit in Ephesians 5 21 it starts actually by there's a mutual submission that all believers owe to all other believers so our whole attitude of the Christian life is not who's the boss around here but it's how can we help one another how can we love one another how can we uh whatever God has called you to do how can I help you fulfill it um we I'll recognize everybody has gifts and callings everybody has a role to play everybody has a Ministry now there are different types of authority based on the different types of responsibility but basically our attitude is we're all Christians together there's no dictator we're all here to help one another and so I'm going to read from the NLT because it brings it out in Ephesians 5 20 and and further submit to one another out of reverence to Christ so the fundamental teaching is we submit to one another so I submit to you you submit to me I might be the pastor but there's a sense in which the pastor submits to the followers because he's serving them and there's a sense where the followers submit to the pastor because he's teaching them scripture that they should obey but we're all submitting to everyone in one at one time or another we're all praying for one another so the same thing with husband's wife there's a very real way in which the husband submits to the wife because if the husband was a single adult he can stay up all night if he wants he can eat pizza uh all night if he wants he can go to work or he cannot go to work and if he doesn't want to get paid he wants to slouch around and that's his choice but when you have a family well now you can't just get up and play games all night you gotta let your family sleep you got to go to work and so you have to submit to your own family it's a mutual submission and so the the fundamental statement is and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ for wives this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord now you might say well just as the Lord leads us but also there's implication as the husband is christ-like so his leadership must be christ-like for a husband is the head of his wife as Christ the head of the church he's the Savior the body of the church as the church submits to Christ so you wives should submit to your husbands and everything for husbands this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church he gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean Washed by the cleansing of the word uh he did this to present her to himself as a glorious Church Without spot or wrinkle or any other blemish instead she will be holy without fault in the same way husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies for a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself no one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it just as Christ cares the church and we are members of his body as the scriptures say a man leaves his father and mother is joined to his wife the two are united to one this is a great mystery but his illustration of the way Christ and the church are one so again I say each man must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband Titus also says for husbands for wives to love their husbands but notice the main emphasis is the husband is to love his wife but love sacrificially as Christ loves the church so I read an interesting quote from C.S Lewis he kind of turns our perspective around but I think he's right he says the real problem the real thing I worry about is not wives submitting to their husbands the real thing I'm worried about is husbands leading their wives because and what what he goes on to explain if you just read that okay husbands order their wives that's not what it's talking about it's talking about husbands sacrificing their wife so he says the real problem that we have in society is not wives rebelling it's their husbands the real problem we have in society is husbands rebelling against their god-given role think about it we usually think of the wife deferring to the husband the wife sacrificing for the children the wife sacrificing the husband well that's not the picture here so we think of the the woman is the nurture I think there's validity to that but we all often think of wife deferring to everybody else in the family thinking of herself last and certainly the husband comes home he's the Lord and Master she caters to him but actually there's a different picture the husband needs to be sacrificing for his wife and that is counterintuitive so we talk about submission we have this picture of the wide bound down the husband C.S Lewis says well if we think a Biblical submission the husband should be going around sacrificing for his wife now obviously I'm not talking about wise being dictators over husbands either I'm not talking about flipping that around I'm just saying the perspective is different when we usually use the word submit it's not Master Slave it's not dictator it's not I get my way it's that we work together and we do whatever is necessary sometimes the wife gives 100 sometimes the husband gives 100 it's not just 50 50.

you do what needs to be done for the good of the couple and the good the family and speaking from the husband's perspective the husband should be thinking not what do I want you know pull the trump card I'm the husband so you have to do what I say it's more in the line of okay what does my family need what does my wife need what is my children I have to take care of them first then if there's anything left take care of me I mean that's really what the picture is I will die defending my family I will sacrifice my life so that they can live I will work hard and and suffer want before I let my kids and my wife suffer want so the picture is of one who gives himself sacrificially for the benefit of his wife and his children and if he does that then I think it becomes easy for the husband to love for the wife to love such a husband but so Paul says I think the bottom line is husband you need to be the true spiritual leader of your home and make sure you take care of your family like Christ takes care of you and wife if you've got a good husband like that you ought to listen to him you ought to follow him you got to respect him because he's doing his job uh so Paul is not talking about what if there's a dysfunctional home whatever there's abusive home what if there's an unbelieving home all those things have to be considered and qualified but he's established like the basic guideline of a mature Christian family and I do believe that's relevant today and I do believe if people would follow that we would have happy homes and stronger churches it's not about who's the boss it's about fulfilling our role fulfilling our responsibilities as God has given us to do and what we are saying against modern culture the roles are equally important but the role of a husband is different from the role of a wife and the role of a father is different from the role of a mother and I would just close with this by saying there's so many single-parent homes mostly moms and we respect those moms who raise their kids without the benefit of a father for whatever reason um and we and God can help them and the church can help them but statistics show research shows that the very best outcomes for children whether you talk about drug addiction criminal Behavior sexual promiscuity economic stability physical health their the results are much better when the biological mother and biological father are both in the home so the breakdown of our society is fathers abdicating their roles and I think Paul's words are highly irrelevant fathers you need to be the sacrificial leader mothers wives if you have such a husband you need to hold him up you need to support him you need to follow him and together you can build a Godly home