What Should Apostolic Singles Look for in a Spouse?
by David K. Bernard
Podcast recording (no venue stated in the delivered transcript)
Kind: teaching
Scripture: Genesis 1, Genesis 2, Ephesians 5, 2 Corinthians 6

Source: https://acts238.life/repository/sermons/david-k-bernard--what-should-apostolic-singles-look-for-in-a-spouse
Published by Acts 2:38 Life from the sermon transcript on that page.
Free to copy and share with attribution.

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well let me talk about God's plan for marriage so if you go back to the beginning before sin you see God's original plan in Genesis chapter one chapter 2 God created a man and a woman and he said that they would leave their birth families they would join to one another and they would become one flesh and one flesh I think means physical mental emotional spiritual so they're to consider themselves as one family unit and they're interest are intertwined uh when the Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians 5 about the marriage relationship and go went back to Genesis he talked about the husband loving his wife sacrificially uh as he would love himself and cherish and treat her the same way there obviously there's implication that she would reciprocate that so I think when we go to look at what marriage uh you know what we're looking for in a spouse uh we first of all want to consider the will of God and we want to consider lifelong compatibility also I think we should keep in mind 2 Corinthians 6 says do not be unequally yolked together with unbelievers now you could apply that in different settings but I think the closest possible relationship of a yoking together or joining together two human beings is obviously marriage so the number one Criterion needs to be we have a common New Birth experience a common salvation experience but beyond that common values you know it's possible to be in the same church and have very different values is what you want in life expectations a pursuit of Holiness and while there doesn't need to be identity you know I say identical um ideas we all have our own personal thoughts and feelings convictions but when it comes to the basic things what are going to be our priorities um you know when we get a job when we decide on where we're going to live when we decide how to to raise kids there there are a lot of things that come up are we committed to be faithful to church are we committed to paying our ties because if one person says I want to go to church once a month or whenever I feel like it or I don't really think we should pay 10% maybe 1% well then those are going to become Flash points when I was a pastor I used a resource which I think is still available there may be others that are more recent but it's called getting ready for marriage workbook and it had a number of questions questions that it ask what do you expect what do you believe what do you think and both the man and the woman were asking the questions and then they would compare their answers so it became a great tool because people that said well we love each other but they didn't really know each other and they would be surprised to oh you believe that oh you think that oh that's your priority and so it's best to get those worked out before you get married rather than after you get married so I'm a firm believer in spiritual premarital counseling and some practical component to that so I'd go back to your question is number one definitely a common New Birth or salvation experience number two very similar values when it comes to things like church serving God living a holy life how are you going to raise and train your kids uh those things you need to have a general agreement you need to discuss I think a third thing closer related be that good communication so someone you're going to marry needs to be your best friend or or someone you it may start with friendship but it has to be it has to it it could start with a romantic um uh relationship or an attraction but there has to be a strong friendship developed at some point and a strong communication because if you communicate well then every major problem can be addressed successfully but if you communicate poorly every problem can become a major problem so uh someone you like to talk to someone you like to spend time with someone you communicate well uh you know we have this in in our Western culture which I I do think is correct there is a strong feeling of romance and attraction and falling in love interestingly I was raised in Korea many years ago and it's changed somewhat now but their tradition was arranged marriages and in the very traditional form the families would get together and they would decide who is going to marry who without the children even being involved and then later it evolved to the the children would have a veto power but still when I grew up the common thing was and they you would actually even go to a real estate agent and they had a book of people that are eligible for marriage their education their life experience their family background all this kind of stuff and you flip through the book find out people that look compatible um and then the parents would would meet and they would talk and then the the kids would meet and they would decide if this is going to work or not in church they would ask the pastors to help with this um and of course while I don't agree that that's what we should do there's a valid point because many of those traditional marriages they lasted and they de did develop into love but the point I making is they really emphasize there's got to be compatibility and if if your family background and your educational background your life experience and your culture is totally different well I'm not going to say it shouldn't happen I'm just saying you be need to be aware of that you go in with your eyes open knowing you're going to have to overcome some hurdles or some obstacles you're going to have to work extra hard and so the point is it's not not just that love will cover everything it's going to be hard work now I do believe love is essential but what we think of as Love sometimes we meet someone and we're IM immensely attracted we call it Love at First Sight well it's probably not really love at first sight it's probably infatuation at First Sight what I mean by that this person fits your profile that you've created your own mind and so whether it's the physical appearance or the way they react or respond it fits but whether that person actually is what you have dreamed in your mind they're probably not going to be there may be some points of similarity but you're you're not going to really know until you get to know that person so I do think um there there is no no perfect match no perfect person um and so you have to adjust your expectations to what is realistic because nobody's going to fit all the checklists you have and if you find someone that seemly does they actually may be deficient in something much more important and someone that you would write off at first because they don't have the one or two characteristics once you get to know them you may decide what I had in my mind is really irrelevant what they have to offer is so much greater so I think there has to be a process of getting to know the person and obviously I would say there needs to be a physical attraction uh obviously there needs to be a romantic attraction and needs develop into love but I would add to that in the Bible love is not primarily an emotion but a choice well obviously there's an emotional component but the point we sometimes say in Western culture is well I fell in love almost like it just accidentally happened I didn't really have anything to do with it I just fell in love but then the the flip side of that is a year or two later when problems arise and I in counseling people I've had this happen well I woke up one day and looked at and realized I don't love them anymore so I want a divorce because their concept of love was almost well if the Romantic feeling isn't there there's nothing left well I I hate to break the news to you but some days you won't always feel the Romantic feeling but if you act according to your choice then the romance will return so my point is I think we understand it's more of a choice and a commitment and in a Christian sense it's a covenant so once we get married that's supposed to be a lifelong Covenant and so I think going back to the question is we have to look at that person while we can't know the future we can't know what they're going to be like 20 years from now we can't know what we're going to be like 20 years from now and we're going to change and so marriage is going to require us to renew our commitment and to work hard again and if it's a perfect match now 10 years ago 10 years later it won't necessarily be a perfect match unless you keep working at it because we're you're both going to change so what you have to understand is you're entering into this with love as a commitment as a covenant and once you do that then you can be successful especially with the Holy Spirit but to go back to your question of what you're looking for I think you have to ask yourself can I see myself spending the rest of life my life with this person um is this person flexible enough that if circumstances change I could see them being able to change with circumstances uh if I end up in a different career or different location or a different situation than what I'm in now now is this the kind of person that will be with me and and work with me so I think you have to have a sense of what I see could be in the future do they have the potential um not just to be the kind of person that I want right now but can they be the kind of person in the road and we're all in a process of growth so maybe they aren't everything you would want but maybe you aren't everything they would want either but do you have the capacity to grow grow to learn to develop and and uh do we have the commitment of love and I do think we have to seek the will of God which is another related subject you do have to feel it's the will of God but part of that is confirmation from the leaders in your life so maybe not in every case but many cases your parents know you very well especially if they're also in the church and you should heed their advice very carefully if they have warning flag then U you should take that very seriously and of course your pastor now as a pastor I not didn't try to tell people you know I found the will of God for you you marry this person or you better not marry that person now if it if if they it was contrary to God's word like one was in church one was not in church I would say no don't marry that person but in the process of counseling I'm not trying to tell them what to do I'm trying to give them guidance I'm trying to to help them discern if they're truly compatible and if they're not in certain ways can that be addressed through communication and dialogue or is this a deal breaker so my goal is not to try to tell the will of God but I could help confirm the will of God or I could help caution even though you're both in church and I can't say that marriage is sinful or wrong I see some very different life experiences or very different cultural backgrounds or very different expect ations that I don't think you're ready to get married unless you're willing to work through these and so if you're Pastor or another Mentor or a parent has that kind of caution uh I think that should be taken very carefully into into account and so seeking the will of God is Not merely a mystical thing but it's a practical thing that um you listen to your leaders and you listen to your mentors and you look at the objective evidence of how well do we communicate what are our values what are our expectations and that's part of Discerning the will of God and I do think this that God allows us to have a choice so um we might think well there's only one perfect person the whole world that God has pre-selected for me only problem with that thought is what if that person doesn't agree then your your whole life is ruined you know because the one person in the whole world that God selected for you doesn't agree and so I do think there could be potential many people depending on circumstances uh that could be the right person uh and you zero down to the right one and once you get married there is only one right one but until then I think it's not as if okay I got to find out the perfect person once God tells me and I even had I remember a couple like that well we don't really love each other but God told us that to get married so we have to do what God says and I said wait a minute wait a minute you know it God doesn't do that God will work through our personality and our choice so it's not rigidly God has this one person he's going to shove on you whether you like it or not you better learn to like it no God is going to let our own personality and our own preferences and our choices there could be a range of people that could be God's will but based on your own personality and experience and your own preference God will help you find the right one for you I do think you can find the right one but it is it is based on both God's Will and leading and your preference and choice and then ultimately love is a commitment so I hope that helps you in uh in uh anybody that's seeking uh to get married or maybe counseling someone I can just tell you my experience um I came back to the US when I was 17 went to college went to law school um so I went I was seven years as a single adult and I got married at 24 so I had to deal with all these issues firsthand and I did find the right one and I'm very glad I did

I'll just tell you this briefly when I first met my wife to be I was a freshman in law school she was a senior in high school so we were about four years apart and she was young and beautiful and the life of the party and love God and was singing and leading and worship this small church and uh I was immediately attracted to her and U I asked her out she turned me down she did not like me and uh over the course of time I managed to find get one date with her I kind of maneuvered her into it um by uh she did some work for the church and work for me as teaching in the church and so I said well the least I can do is take you out to dinner for all that you've done and she couldn't refuse so that was was the first date but she was so nervous on that date I guess she didn't like it so um she in the middle announced I'm sick I got to go home so I thought I won but actually she won so for the next year and a half we we were friends in church we worked together in church we worked in Outreach and so we had a relationship in that regard but she wasn't interested in me but a year and a half later through circumstances suddenly I realized her perspective had changed a little bit so I tried again and this time I was successful and so I've learned from experience that sometimes the one you think might not be the one or they might be the one but you might have to go through some time to for both of you to come to the same conclusion but in the end we trust that God will lead us and that's been my experience