Children and Parents

ephesians chapter 6 and verse 1. paul writing says children obey your parents because you belong to the lord this is the right thing to do but then in verse 4 he says fathers parents do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the lord the head are above verse 1 in your bible or even your bible app probably says children and parents so with all the creativity of that that's my subject this evening children and parents as we continue family emphasis a month god bless you you may be seated i really didn't want to disappoint brother john that was not the lord coming up behind him or the brush of the wings of angel's wings that was just me leaving my mic when on leaned over and told bryson thank god i was worshiping not being carnal amen you never know praise god after reading that text i know that all of our chips and crossover kids they are anxiously awaiting diving into this passage especially verse 4. but it is important that we first understand the context that leads up to leads us up to where paul gives instructions to this household role of parents and children in simplistic terms paul masterfully reminds us in the book of ephesians of our incredible redemption that we have in and through jesus christ and we see that through chapters one through three but then in chapters four through six paul begins to provide practical instructions for what it means to live as a spirit-filled believer son and daughter of jesus christ for example in exodus 4 and 32 paul writes instead be kind one to another tender hearted forgiving one another just as god through christ has forgiven you imitate god therefore in everything you do because you are his dear children live a life filled with love following the example of christ he loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us a pleasing aroma to god in the verse 21 of chapter five paul says and further submit to one another out of reverence to christ submit to one another out of reverence for christ so this brief snapshot and other verses throughout ephesians we can see the framework that that provides the structure for paul then to address wives and husbands which pastor john's addressed last week looking at the passage in first peter chapter 3 and then he goes to children and parents which we're going to look at tonight and then he also deals with the late relationship between slaves and masters which of course makes us uncomfortable in the 21st century so for us it would be an employee employer relationship in our framework this overarching structure that paul teaches from within we can see includes first it includes that we are walking in the spirit if you're not living in the spirit what he's about to say is not going to work very well or very long it's not sustainable the second part of this structure we see is love the love of god and our love for god and our love for others thirdly it is kindness a framework of kindness a framework of forgiveness one for another and a framework of mutual submission and this is absolutely the context that we're speaking of or looking at this evening as paul speaks to parents and children so let's go back to that text ephesians chapter six and verse one children obey your parents because you belong to the lord this is the right thing to do notice here that paul directly addresses the children and that may not seem extraordinary to you and i but it was culturally rare in the first century and in greco-roman culture for sure that any subservient relationship such as a wife a servant or a child would ever even be acknowledged and and yet paul addresses the children directly and i'm not an expert of antiquity or greco-roman culture but even a brief survey of scholarship and biblical commentary reveals that in the first century children had no individual rights their lives often weren't even valued they were sometimes nothing more than property yet paul as an as a spirit-filled apostle of the lord jesus christ paul defies what culture said and he sets this new standard for the christian church he speaks to children directly children in the eyes of the lord through and in the eyes of paul they are seen as viable they are seen as a valuable part of the church they are a distinct disciple of jesus christ and so to them paul speaks to chips and crossover and crowd and hyphen and anyone who would be a parent or be a child under the authority of a parent paul says children obey your parents because you belong to the lord it is the right thing to do honor your father and mother he goes on this is the first commandment with a promise here's the promise if you honor your father and mother things will go well for you and you will have a long life on the earth and everybody say amen here paul gives essentially four reasons why children should obey their parents if you're a child take it to heart if you're a parent in the fear of god teach your children first of all it is spiritually right obeying parents is not just merely about their parental authority obeying our parents is an integral part of the discipleship of every child like their parents our children belong to god and they are accountable to god as a disciple of the lord jesus christ so to that end obeying parents is how children live out paul's command that we read earlier that we are to submit to one another out of reverence for christ everyone say it's spiritual likewise disobedient to parents disobedienced appearance is part of a nasty list of sins in romans 1 that describes the delusional who reject god that list includes murder haters of god the violent the unloving and people who disobey their parents so kids older kids obeying parents is a big deal to god it is spiritual right but number two paul says it is just right it is naturally right i mentioned the culture a few minutes ago but in the greco-roman culture the father had absolute authority without any regard for life over his kids a greco-roman fathers particularly the romans they answered to no one about how they conducted themselves towards their kids jewish parents we see in the old testament they had authority over their children based on the old testament law though obviously in judaism the life of the child was very much precious valued and considered a gift from god a roman father got to decide for his newborn live or die you're weak gone you're a girl don't want you that was the power of a roman father if a roman father wanted to in prison put into forced labor wanted to scourge like jesus was scourged that was in his rights in contestable rights over his children judaism was a little bit more balanced because of the word of god the life of the child was valued so whether they were pagan children or whether they were jewish children in the first century children just kind of took for granted that you respect and obey your parents so paul following the wisdom of solomon he wants to ensure that christian children whether they come from a pagan background or whether they come from a jewish background paul wants to ensure that christian children honor their parents obey their parents so as not to bring reproach on the church proverbs 19 and 26 solomon said he who mistreats his father and chases away his mother is a son who causes shame and brings reproach paul said that should not be in the church so it's spiritual it's natural and then paul whips out it's the fifth commandment deuteronomy 5 and 16 honor your father and your mother as the lord your god has commanded you this wasn't moses opinion this wasn't written by a parent this was from the lord himself honor your father and your mother as your lord your god has commanded you here's here's a promise though that your days may be long that it may be well with you in the land which the lord your god is giving you so when we read deuteronomy or we read in exodus here's what is pretty clear it's not a suggestion it's not a good idea it is the abiding command of the almighty god clear simple and direct i don't think i even have to explain that any further but number four that we just read and just saw in the past which we read it's spiritual it's natural it is the fifth commandment but there is a promise a blessing like much of the bible when god gives instructions it's always in this context that he is our father and we are his children and he wants to bless us ephesians 6 and 3 if you honor your father and mother paul said quoting things will go well for you and you will have a long life on the earth now let's be clear this is not a candy stick promise that turns god into a genie in a bottle but it is an absolute assurance that the promises of the bible belong to children who honor respect and obey their parents and when a child honors god by honoring his parents they put themselves under the umbrella of god's blessing god's care and god's provision that is what paul is teaching so kids young and old whether you do or don't think your parents are cool smart and understanding you should honor and obey your parents regardless of what other kids parents allow them to do or don't allow them to do you should honor and obey your parents it's not unique to me but by the way the older i get the smarter and wiser my parents become amen and there are a lot of kids that sometimes i was envious of as a child for what they got to do that i couldn't do but i would not trade places with not one of them today so whether they're cool smart or not the bible's clear of our role we do it because it's right spiritually and naturally we do it because it's the commandment of god and we do it gladly because we will receive the promises of god amen so now finally and then we'll leave the kids alone listen to solomon's instructions his assurance to the child who honors and obey godly parents proverbs 4 and 10 my child listen to me and do as i say and you will have a long good life i will teach you wisdom's ways and lead you in straight paths when you walk you won't be held back when you run you won't stumble take hold of my instructions don't let them go guard them they are the key to life amen all the kids can breathe take a deep breath with your chips and cross over amen so let me address a couple things though before we move forward number one paul is writing to christian families but children with unsaved parents or a parent should still honor and obey them unless that obedience would conflict with their obedience to god and his word we ought to obey god over man humanity but obviously that might be a tough situation and those circumstances should be handled with wisdom and spiritual counsel okay so let's be clear about that in the ideal that we're talking about an ephesians it's a christian family christian parents a christian child then secondly this command continues for all of us adult kids right so all of you uh adults that have been elbowing your kids nudging them taking good notes this also applies to us adult kids because while writing to timothy about the care of widows in the church paul uses the fifth commandment and then he makes this declaration but if anyone does not provide for his own and especially for those of his household he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever paul used strong language to emphasize that even when we are no longer subject to the direct oversight and authority of our parents we still have a biblical obligation to honor and care for our parents it's amazing how quiet it just got in the big church now we have many examples in our church of what it that what this can and has looked like and most recently i've been in communication with brother stanley hollingshead and i share a story with permission but since late february brother stanley's been traveling back and forth in fact he's been gone from here more than he's been here to copperhill tennessee caring for his mother who was 88 and his stepfather who was 93 as their health had dramatically declined and and then even in that time of care they both fell in their home on the same day were both hospitalized both admitted to a rehab center but then tragically his stepfather oscar and we had prayer for this family continued to decline and passed away on august the 28th so brother stanley as he's prayerfully wrestled with how best to care for his mother he texted me last week that he said brother jury the lord has spoken to me something and this was brother stanley's words it wasn't new or revolutionary and this word this is what he said the lord spoke to him honor thy father and thy mother and he said it couldn't get any plainer than that praise the lord so brother stanley's working to move his mom here selling her house she can get better care here living with him and i believe his conduct is commendable and pleasing to the lord and it represents what paul is writing about in ephesians 1 in ephesians and in first timothy that we just read that our obligation to to love and to support and to honor our parents doesn't stop the day we move out it doesn't stop the day we they stop paying rent and we start paying rent amen but having said that let me be clear let's nuance it's wednesday night i'm not the judge okay i understand that life can get complicated and nuanced and i'm not here to condemn anyone that's not what the bible's trying to do how you best honor and care for parents as they age is absolutely an individual journey for that family based on the unique circumstances and the health of the parents maybe it means just sitting them down and doing end of life planning that is uncomfortable like a will and and a health a health directive or maybe a medical directive or maybe it means that they need specialized care that that can't be provided at their home and can't be provided at your home i i acknowledge that there are a hundred different variations of what it means to care for our parents and i also acknowledge that it takes a two-way relationship to make that work but even if you do not have a healthy relationship with your parents or a parent due to no fault of your own you can still honor and respect them as unto the lord not for what they've done not for who they are and not for how they're acting currently but as unto the lord amen well it's the bible welcome to wednesday night bible study family emphasis month so let's talk about the parents everybody ready because like many of the commands and instructions of scripture or throughout the bible paul here too provides balancing instructions to the parents verse four all the kids were like man when were we going to get here fathers parents do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them rather bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the lord now the children can all cheer and they get to give the elbow back to their parents amen i noted this earlier a couple times but again the father in greco-roman culture had absolutely absolute authority whether he wanted to imprison or bless beat forced labor determine the life and death of a newborn and and it's debatable as to you know how that you know how much of culture actually actualized that per that freedom but the fathers had that freedom the roman father was viewed as the supreme teacher of his children and even if they went to school he or then they were responsible to ensure that they would grow up learning the worship practices of the household gods or the gods of the city now a jewish father also had authority we understand that from the old testament of course the life of the child was valued and a jewish father we also we know instinctively because of deuteronomy 6 and other passages that family was mandated to educate and instruct their children in the way of the lord and the law of the lord but within the christian community paul now provides some boundaries to the cultural norms that surrounded them what are those boundaries fathers do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them paul insisted children are not your property children are a gift from god children are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of god they in fact are young disciples in their own right so there is a boundary to the authority of the parent and it is do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them so parental authority is not to be utilized as a weapon to time to build resentment to ignite anger to to stoke your ego to vent your anger or your emotional hot-headedness or you had a bad day or you're weary or you're tired parental authority never gives permission to use that as a weapon that would antagonize and initiate anger in the child that you are responsible for paul's already addressed that anger had no place in the life of a spirit-filled believer so it has no place in the life of a parent and god forbid that parent initiated in the life of a child because it has no place in the life of a child hear paul in ephesians 4 26 don't sin by letting anger control you don't let the sun go down while you are still angry for anger gives a foothold to the devil paul warns us as parents not to abuse our authority certainly do not initiate anger that gives satan an opportunity to divide the family that's what paul's trying to say so just as obeying parents is spiritual training our children up the right way is spiritual can you say amen following the train of teaching and the instruction of the old testament paul here emphasizes not just the authority of the parent but he emphasizes the responsibility of the parent bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the lord in other words as parents we are to correct we are to teach we are to nourish in a distinctive christian way so that our children become the people that god and created them to be that is our responsibility and by the way i think that broadly applies whether you are a guardian or a grandparent or an aunt if you are responsible for a child you have a distinct christian responsibility to train to raise to nurture that child in a way that they fully become who god wanted them to be it's as simple as that but again i understand the day-to-day reality of living out that command isn't always easy it isn't always clear what is right and what is best when it comes to nurturing our children you know their nature and all of those things like that and i i'm not pretending to adequately address parenting uh here tonight in this bible study nor you know it it's a subject that we could and should spend an entire series on parenting biblical parenting but we can't do that all tonight but let us let us do take a a brief look at what the wisest man who ever lived his name's solomon let's see what he had to say just briefly proverbs 22 and 6. some of you know this by heart train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it this is of course a principle not an absolute rule i know this is not revelatory to anybody in this room but children are not robots you don't push button a b and up up down down left right left right and they will make the right decisions amen they are unique humans with a self-will and every parent ought to say amen to that they by the way and this is going to blow some of your parents it's going to blow your mind they are not perfect you have never accepted that but they are not perfect and i know and and and i know you were perfect and your grandparents were perfect in fact your entire your entire family tree is never messed up so your kids certainly are perfect but just listen to solomon for a moment proverbs 22 and 15 foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child the rod of correction will drive it far from him okay now we've already have boundaries here so i don't even have to rehearse the boundaries foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child even christian children even spirit-filled christian children i mean i was a pretty good kid i could say that now and none of you were there to dispute it but solomon knew what he was talking about i i may have shared this before but there was a day when i was younger like seven or eight six seven eight somewhere in there and i was at my friend's paul's house the problem was my dad worked with his dad in the office was right beside his house and for whatever happened on this day the foolishness struck and and we thought this i mean we weren't being rebellious we just being foolish and and we thought that it was the greatest thing ever to turn a car if i'm doing this it's because i'm literally feel like i'm staring at a train that is blinding me so forgive me for the awkward angles so we thought it would be an amazing obstacle course if we turn the car into that course so we took off running and when we got to the car we left upon the trunk ran over the cab down the front off the front leaping and continuing on not once or twice it was all afternoon it was an amazing obstacle course the only problem was is one of our fathers looked out the blinds of the window and all i can tell you is that the moral of that story is i was foolish and my dad used the rod of correction to drive it far from me on that day so your kids may be perfect but they might surprise you with foolishness at some point amen so tonight if you're a free-range parent you think your kids need no boundaries god bless you but here's solomon verse chapter 29 and verse 15 the rod and rebuke give wisdom a child left to himself brings shame to his mother that's not my book of parenting that's solomon but let's go to the other side of the road the other ditch if you're a drill sergeant parent who think your kids are in an 18 year long boot camp for life the model for disciplining and training our children is not the military it is none other than jesus christ as dr daniel seagraves points out in his excellent commentary on proverbs and he points to listen to the writer of hebrews describe christ's structure of discipline hebrews 12 and 6. the lord disciplines those he loves and he punishes each one he accepts as his child as you endure this divine discipline remember that god is treating you as his own children who has ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father if god doesn't discipline you as he does all his children it means you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all since we respected our earthly fathers who discipline us shouldn't we submit even more to the discipline of the father of our spirits and live forever for our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years doing the best they knew how but god's discipline is always good for us so that we might share in his holiness no discipline is enjoyable while it is happening it's painful hallelujah but afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way this is jesus's model of discipline first news flash he does discipline with actual consequences okay secondly his love is unquestionable he's proved it he causes no injury nor harm no permanent pain he does not act in an emotional fit or anger god acts with understanding of what is best for us god forgives and he doesn't keep bringing up our past failures even when we make the same mistake some parents some people have the black book of grievances in their mind and they will never let god erase it and they go for years or months but the next but as soon as someone does something they are quick to be like sean hannity and go through the same 57 talking points in a row that he's repeated for six years straight and i haven't heard him in six years much but it's probably the same i mean we have parents that way right it's just that person i remember i remember i remember i remember that's not god's structure of discipline right he forgives and he doesn't keep bringing up number and then lastly he restores without condemnation he restores without condemnation that is the perfect model for every parent who wants to please god if we want to nurture and train up that next generation of apostolic warriors heroes men and women who will please god our model is not free range our motto is not the military our model is jesus christ and if we'll do it his way we'll get it right yeah there's a lot of wisdom needed i remember i said the structure is you walk in the spirit there is wisdom to be gleaned there are books to be read sometimes parents and grandparents do recognize a better way for helping you with your children you have to just figure it out in the fear of the lord i understand that but the guiding principles and the overarching responsibility is i want to raise and nurture and discipline my children as the lord disciplines me he's the model he is the perfect model and that's what we're striving for amen worship team is coming and giving us hope so children and parents children and parents it's not a cool title it's not a cool passage but it is the truth of the word of god it's life-changing it's rewarding it is it is brings blessing it makes it brings harmony it allows god's purpose to be fulfilled through the structure of the family which god ordained both children and parents have standing before the lord both must walk in obedience to god and his word both have rights and both have responsibilities and both must demonstrate mutual submission to one another in the fear of the lord obey your parents and don't provoke and train and instruct as unto the lord