How to Overcome Same-Sex Attraction

Yes, I've had experience in trying to help people uh even before I was a pastor as a youth leader in Houston many years ago when I was going to college and then of course as a pastor. U but we're going to have to answer this from the scriptures. So um we respect everyone every human being but our beliefs are formed by the word of God. So the Bible says in no uncertain terms that any sexual relationship outside of a biblical marriage of a man and woman is considered a sin contrary to God's word.

So fornication uh sex with unmarried people, adultery, sex with married people but but not married to each other or homosexual sex. Um all of those are considered wrong in contrary to God's plan. If you go back to Genesis chapter 1 and chapter 2, Paul uh or God establishes marriage as I've just defined it in Matthew 19, Jesus endorsed that same kind of marriage. So actually this teaching comes from Jesus himself. And then in the New Testament uh we find the the Apostle Paul specifically um in addition to Jesus but Paul more specifically applies this Romans chapter 1 he's very clear that homosexual conduct including lesbian conduct is contrary to God's word is sinful uh 1 Corinthians 6 uh 1 Timothy 1 and as well as the teachings under the law of Moses which although we are not under the law of Moses the moral teachings of the moral for law Moses are consistent.

They they don't change. So what starting with Genesis before sin uh under law Moses then after the law of Moses under the church age we find the same cons consistent teaching. I want to clearly establish that uh and and let's also read more specifically 1 Corinthians 69-11 the New King James Version. Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolattors, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you, but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the spirit of our God.

So notice in among all those sins, he gives there two different words for homosexual conduct. And I would say just to clarify because the world will use the term homosexual as your identity, your lifelong identity. Well, I don't think the Bible identifies people by behaviors. Uh you're a child of God. You are a man. You are a woman. You you don't have to define yourself by a sexual identity, by sexual practice or predisposition or temptation. That's not who you are. So when this passage says homosexual sodomites, it means those who are practicing this conduct. And most scholars think the reason why both are used is that in ancient times, people didn't have a concept of a sexual orientation.

In fact, that's a 20th century invention, sexual orientation uh or sexual identity as such or transgenderism. Certainly, people practiced those sins, but they didn't consider it their identity. For example, in ancient Grecoman culture, uh, a wealthy male would have a wife who stayed at home who bore his children. He may well have what was called a cortisan, basically a prostitute who who, um, he brought around for social events. And then he would have a pre-adolescent or young adolescent boy that he also used for sexual purposes. Very horrible, but that was accepted in society. But he did not consider himself a homosexual. He just considered himself a typical male that had a variety of indulgences and indulging the flesh just as a pure physical reaction.

Um so it appears that these two terms are used for the male who is the aggressor and for the male typically like the boy who is the recipient. And it's saying whatever the same-sex relationship, it's considered sinful in God's sight. Um, so that's where we start. So what happens if someone has a samesex attraction? First of all, I would say we're not held guilty for our temptations, but for our sins. And that's true of anybody. Uh, as a heterosexual male, you know, I was single seven years going to college in America, and I had to learn to discipline my flesh. So I had heterosexual attractions.

So what I first say to someone who has a same-sex attraction, first of all, let's just consider every Christian has to face according to first John chapter 2, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life. Now I may not have the struggle you have, but I have my own struggles. And I can say as when I was a young adult, I had to learn to discipline my flesh and to not deny the lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, live a holy life, not commit fornication. And so that required a commitment, that required consecration, that required seeking God.

So just because uh someone has a same sex attraction doesn't make the principle any different. So the first thing I would say, you have to learn to discipline your flesh, be celibate, uh resist temptation. And now, of course, if you commit physical acts, that can be sinful. But if you fantasize, desire, indulge in pornography, that can be sinful in your mind. So a temptation that comes to you or a feeling that you wrestle with, that's not a sin. Uh Jesus was tempted but never sinned. So just because you're tempted, you have these emotions, these feelings, these thoughts. Don't let the devil condemn you. What do you do with those?

If you indulge them, fantasize them, let them consume your mind, uh start looking at people in a lustful way or start uh seeking out pornography, then yes, it becomes sinful. If you act upon it with physical actions, u sexual nature, then that becomes sinful. Uh so there is a danger. But the first line of defense is to say, "Wait a minute. I'm a child of God. I'm not I'm not a homosexual. Maybe I maybe my past there's homosexual behavior, but I'm not defined. Just like I would say uh to a heterosexual person, maybe they committed fornication, but they should not say as a Christian, I'm an adulterer.

I'm a I'm a fornicator. They should say, "No, I'm a child of God. I'm a Christian. So I'm my identity is not defined by what I used to do or how I used to feel or even the temptations that I feel now." So if you don't act out on those temptations, you're not that is not your identity. So your identity is a child of God. Notice, but such were some of you. So some people say, "Well, people can't be delivered." Well, this passage says they can. Notice such were some of you. So just what I'm saying, they're no longer defined by that identify. They're no longer fornicators, idolattors, adulterers, homosexuals, or sodomites because they're not indulging in that.

And notice how they were saved, washed, sanctified, justified the name of the Lord Jesus by the spirit of our God. That's the new birth experience. Acts 2:38. So I would start with first of all, you must be born again, truly repentant, baptized in the name of Jesus Christ, filled with the Holy Spirit. Second, you recognize your identity has changed. You're no longer defined by that. Do not allow yourself to say that's your nature. That's your identity. You're not born that way. There may be things that happen to you. There may be predispositions, maybe even a genetic component, but so typically a person doesn't just wake up one day and say, "I choose to be this." They're molded and shaped sometimes by experiences in childhood, by abusive experiences, by dysfunctional families.

I talk about this some in my book, In Search of Holiness. So there could be many factors, but the point is we humans are not just animals who operate by instinct. We have control over our lives and the fact that we could see some of the contributing factors to cause us to be to have same-sex attraction or even promiscuous feelings. Uh but once we understand these psychological pressures and spiritual pressures, we also understand by God's grace we're no longer bound by that. We have liberty. We can take charge of that. We can resist that. We can mo remold ourselves. So I don't condemn the person for feelings that they may not have consciously chosen that may have come from various factors growing up and experiences and dysfunctions that happen in their lives.

But they are responsible for taking control of those things today just like someone who struggles with promiscuity. Many times it's because of life experiences that helps them understand uh and and helps them not to feel guilty for the temptations, but it still holds them responsible to take charge by the power of the Holy Spirit. And so that's what I would say is, you know, if it if it's helpful to recognize what has caused you to feel this way or what's happened so that you can unravel it, counteract it, overcome it, take charge over it, that's fine. So maybe some spiritual counseling by a biblical counselor could help in that regard if you feel that's that's needed.

But but the so the practical steps I've already mentioned several things here. But okay, say let's say you are doing what I've already said. You are born again. You are serving God. Uh so then I think you first have to get control of the lust of the flesh so that you're no longer acting or fantasizing or participating in pornography or anything like that. But that's every Christian. Every single Christian has to deal with that. But even married Christians, I I would counsel young people that were involved in pornography or promiscuity and they had this feeling, well once I marry the right person, problem goes away.

I would say no. You need to get control of it now because once you're married, even though you're happily married, there'll be stresses in your life and those same temptations and those same predispositions will pop back up and that will seem to be an easy out or an easy fix. So, as a single young adult, you have to get control of that. And as a married adult, you still have to battle temptations. Um, and so, and then people, you know, sometimes their spouse leaves them through no f of their own. Sometimes their spouse dies or sometimes their spouse is physically or or mentally handicapped and is no longer can function.

And so even a mature Christian sometimes has to deal with how do I control these normal heterosexual desires. So just because someone has a samesex desire doesn't make it any more difficult or any easier. Every Christian potentially has to deal with that. So you have to find the solution within you and in the power of the Holy Ghost. So that's the first thing to do is learn that self-discipline, that self-control, uh celibacy or faithfulness within uh a heterosexual marriage. And you just have to deny yourself and not fantasize, not use, not read books or watch videos or go online and because if you indulge the flesh, you're going to feed the flesh.

So you have to discipline yourself. Okay. I think also prayer, asking God to take away those strong desires and then once you feel like you've accomplished that then asking God to give you proper heterosexual desires. Now, as with all lifestyles or behavior patterns or addictions or compulsions, individual experiences are different. Just let's take an alcoholism or drug abuse. Some people have an experience of instantly being delivered and never having to struggle again. Others have a lifelong struggle. I think even if you had an instant deliverance, you should still recognize there's a lifelong possibility of temptation. So, let's say I'm an alcoholic. I've been instantly delivered.

I still would not recommend uh going downtown, frequenting the bars, drinking Cokes to try to win people to Christ because you're putting yourself back in an old environment. So even if you feel like you've been completely delivered, you have to protect and maintain that deliverance through spiritual disciplines and not putting yourself in situations where the old life could come back. So even if you're victorious, that victory is only maintained by daily um spiritual disciplines and letting the Holy Spirit lead you and not putting yourself in situations. Now, if it's beyond your control, you trust the grace of God, but you don't deliberately put yourself in situations where you can stumble and fall.

And so, I do believe there's some people that seem to never fully uh acquire a heterosexual desire. But may but in that case, they're they remain celibate for the kingdom of God. And you know, Jesus spoke of that in Matthew 19 when he talked about how God wants marriage. divorce is not really God's will except for the cause of uh fornication, adultery. And the disciples recoiled in shock, well, maybe we should never be married if it's that strict. And and Jesus said, well, in essence, uh that's true. Some people aren't married. Some people remain celibate. Some because they're born where they can't really have a sexual relationship.

Some are caused by men, by people. And that's an example uh in in um in ancient times especially that people were made unics uh and they really had no choice in the matter. And then some have chosen to remain celibate for the sake of the kingdom of God. So some person they haven't found the right companion or they feel like God has called them either for a season of life or permanently to a life of service like the apostle Paul. There's some maybe they've gone through a divorce or they feel like they don't have a biblical grounds to remarry. So some people have chosen for the sake of the kingdom of God to remain celibate.

And I think this is another point we need to emphasize that our society puts sexuality as the highest goal and sexual pleasure as the highest privilege of freedom. Well, that's false. It it is an important component of human identity uh nature I should say. And of course it's God's plan for marriage both for procreation and for the bonding of the married couple. But um it's not the end all be all. It doesn't should not define who you are. It should not define a full life. It should not define an abundant life. It's just one component that probably no one has to their complete desire their whole life.

uh there's always limitations and discipline and our highest value and joy and fulfillment and pleasure and abundant life is found in doing the will of God and fulfilling his plan for our lives whatever that might be and as Jesus said sometimes that means it's not involving sexuality so I think teaching that whole perspective in opposition to the world's false perception is very important uh and so my book anchor points has a chapter that talks about this not only from a biblical perspective but sociological psychological perspective. That book also has a list of books of testimonies some by apostolic people some by non-apposic who've left the homosexual or lesbian lifestyle.

Some are happily married as heterosexuals. Some are single and celibate and feel like that's what their calling should be. So, I can't guarantee that every person will end up in a certain way, but I do believe God can give you control over your desires, and God can give you an abundant fulfilled life uh where you're not constantly subject or bound or frustrated by those desires. In some cases, God will lead you to heterosexual desires in marriage. In other cases, God will lead you to a fulfilled life of celibacy. Uh but those are some guidelines that I think really this subject is important for every Christian.

Uh but also it specifically of value to those who struggle with same-sex um temptations. And I will say I've personally seen and helped pastor uh and seen testimonies over many years not just a few years of people who have become victorious uh as I said either either living a single life or a heterosexual married life in the will of God.