Should I Cut My Parents Out of My Life?

Summary

Summary prepared by Acts 2:38 Life from the transcript below — the preacher’s words follow in full.

The Baseline: Honor Your Father and Mother

• The question posed: does the Bible support the practice of cutting ties with your Christian parents? More people are doing it, and calling it boundaries — and it's happening in Christian families too. Would there be any scriptural support for this practice?
• All right. Well, let's start with the baseline first. The baseline: one of the Ten Commandments is to honor your father and mother. And that is moral in nature; it's still in force for Christians. Jesus himself reiterated that, when the rich young ruler came to him, in Mark 10, asking: 'What should I do to be saved?' He quoted a number of the Ten Commandments; one of those is: honor your father and mother. Also, in Mark chapter 7, Jesus rebuked the Jewish religious leaders of his day, saying: 'You make the word of God of no effect, by your tradition. You elevate tradition above the teaching of scripture, and you evade scripture.' And he gave an example: the Bible says to honor your father and mother, but you have this custom — and he's talking about adults who have senior parents — he says: you have this tradition, that if you say a certain sum of money is dedicated to God, then when your parents are needy, and in old age, and they need your support, you say: 'Well, I'm sorry; I can't help you with all of this, because I've already dedicated it to God.' And he said: so you're evading that, by claiming to be worshiping God, yet you're neglecting a very important teaching: to honor your parents — in that context, help your parents. So we're not only talking about, you know, children should obey their parents; but we're talking about adult children should still have a relationship of honor, and even assist their parents, in old age. So that's the fundamental teaching. So it would seem that certainly adult children should not cut off their parents, for some trivial reason, or personal reason, or preference — or because they want an enjoyable lifestyle, or their parents are a burden to them, or an inconvenience to them, or they don't like them. You know, the teaching of scripture should supersede all those motives.

Scriptures: Mark 10; Mark 7

When Opposition Is Real: Choosing Christ over Family

• So I suppose what's happening — and it may be partly because we have more dysfunctional families, it seems — and in a Christian context, we may have families that are broken homes, maybe even abusive, physically or verbally; or, you know, non-Christian parents, who fight against their adult child wanting to serve the Lord, and making some commitments, or pursuing holiness; or you may have a parent who's actually pulling against that, and maybe actively working, or trying to manipulate against that. And so, in cases like that, there would be some justification. And of course, you can quote scripture, when it comes to serving the Lord. Jesus also said — and he used an idiomatic expression: 'If you do not hate your father and mother, you can't be my disciple.' He did not mean despise them; but it was a first-century Aramaic figure of speech, that to hate and love, you must choose one over the other. So you must choose following me, over even your father and mother. Jesus also said he did not come to bring peace, but a sword. Talking about how, you know, sometimes one family member will be against another family member. And we think of Jesus as — you know, he does say: blessed are the peacemakers. So he does want to bring harmony, and love, and unity, and wholesome families. But he pointed out the reality, that sometimes, when you choose to follow me, people of your own household will fight against you. So, in that sense, I'm not coming to bring peace at any cost; I'm coming to bring a sword: a clear division, a clear separation. You're either going to follow me, regardless of what even your closest family and friends might say, or you don't. And so there are some statements of Jesus that would indicate: yes, you must make a choice to serve me, and follow me, even if your own family opposes you, or fights against you. So that's something not to be considered lightly.

Boundaries without Severing: The Pastoral Counsel

• But I would say, under normal circumstances, we shouldn't cut off parents, for psychological reasons, or, you know, my health — I'm not discounting that — but I think we have to rise above some things, and be mature; and maybe we can limit interaction, without just totally breaking the relationship. But if you have a parent who is actively fighting against your desire to serve the Lord, or is being so dysfunctional, so manipulative, so verbally or emotionally abusive, that it is dragging you down, then yes, I think it is appropriate to set some boundaries. I think it would be something like this — and as a pastor, this is what I counsel — that you sit down, and have a frank discussion, and say: 'Look, you know, I want a relationship, but it's got to be along these lines. You know, you're going to speak in my home; you're going to be respectful toward my kids; you're not going to do this, and this, and this.' And if they refuse to respect those boundaries, you can certainly limit the interaction. I would say it would be extreme, to cut them off. I think you should try to maintain some relationship with them, but it does have to be on your terms, as healthy Christian values, and healthy family values. And if you're raised in a very dysfunctional home, and you've had to overcome years of obstacles, you don't want to subject your own children to that same negative influence, from their grandparents. So you might have to limit that influence.

Hold the Baseline: Honor, Even at a Distance

• But again, I would say: let's go back to the baseline. Try to find a way to honor your parents, even if they haven't been good parents. They did give you life, and you do respect that. But you do have a right to limit your involvement, to what's appropriate, healthy for you, for your family, and for your spiritual life. I would again say: it would be an extreme, to totally cut them off. But there may be some cases where that's required, because they've consistently violated every guideline, or boundary, you've set, and then you feel like you have no choice. But I would urge these people: because, after all, you want to see them saved; you don't want to see them destroyed. So I would advise: try to maintain some sort of communication, and relationship, so that you can continue to be a positive example, if nothing else, and an influence, if possible. But then I would also say: if all the people involved are Christians, even more you should find some way to have a peaceful, harmonious relationship. And while you can't meet all the demands of an unhealthy parent, and while you can't fulfill all that, still, I hope, especially in a Christian context, that you can find a balance, where there's still mutual respect, mutual love, and a caring relationship.

Scripture index: Mark 10; Mark 7.