The Problem with Leah

You can return to your seats. What a treat it is to be in Texas on this Friday morning. Aren't you thankful for the ministry of the Word? Even last night — Brother Graham, Brother Gore, Brother Burns, my dear friends — so good to see you. And I know tonight's going to be powerful. Aren't you excited about what God's going to do on Friday?

How many know there's no other name under heaven given among men whereby we must be saved? At the name of Jesus, every knee is going to bow, every tongue is going to confess. How glad you know His name right now. Somebody shout, "Jesus!" Turn to your neighbor and say, "There's no other name like the name of Jesus." Come on — in the name of Jesus, in the name of Jesus we have the victory. The devil fears the name. Aren't you glad you have power in the name? I wish somebody would shout, "Jesus!" Come on, shout like you mean it — Jesus!

Glory, glory, glory. I believe what God wants to do is bigger than our churches. Come on, it's bigger than our youth groups. It's bigger than our city can contain. It's the end-time apostolic revival. God's going to do something in North America, and you're right in the middle of it. The church is not going to die. The church is not going to wane. The church is going to increase. It's going to multiply. Come on, how many of you are glad to be a part of the church of Jesus Christ? The gates of hell shall not prevail against the church. Tell your neighbor, "I'm the church." Lean over to your neighbor and say, "You're the church."

We need everybody involved in this church. Joel prophesied — he said in the last days, this is right now — he said old men are going to dream dreams; we need the old people. Young men are going to see visions; we need the young men. He said, on my servants and my handmaidens — he said the sons and the daughters are going to prophesy. I would to God, before we left this meeting, that everybody in the building was prophesying about what God's going to do in the end time. Hallelujah. Our churches are going to increase. Texas is going to multiply. You don't need to fear the devil — the devil's afraid of you, if you ever find out who you are. Come on, I wish you would lift your voices and shout with victory. Come on, you got to get some vigor in your step, a shout in your voice right now. I know it's 11:00, but somebody needs to lift up your voice and shout to the Lord. Come on, clap your hands with all of your might, all of your soul, in the name of Jesus. Hallelujah.

How many of you are going to help me preach right now? I know you were at the afterburner last night, but we need to amen the Word of God today. If you would grab your Bibles and turn with me to the book of Genesis, chapter 29 — Genesis chapter 29, verse 35. Thank you, Brother Williams and Brother Ray and this youth committee, for having me. So honored to be here. So good to have my son Sawyer with me today.

"And she conceived again" — speaking of Leah — "and bare a son, and she said, Now — right now — will I —" What? Say it like you mean it: "Now will I praise the Lord." Therefore she called his name Judah. We know it means praise.

I'd like to preach for the next few moments on simply this: the problem with Leah. The problem with Leah.

Would you lift your hands and ask God to speak to you? Every hand lifted. Lord, we're asking You right now to let Your Word speak to our spirit, that we leave here changed forever — changed. We love You, Almighty God. We honor You, Lord, for Your Word brings us life and direction. In Jesus' name we pray. You may be seated.

The problem with Leah. When you begin to look into the Word: Jacob was leaving his father after that birthright blessing he had been given by his father Isaac. He's on the prowl. He's looking for a wife. I say, some of you in this building right now are on the prowl — you got one eye looking at the Lord and the other eye trying to find her. Come on now, you know I'm telling you the truth right now. If you got any testosterone, you know I'm telling you the truth right now. He's on the prowl. He's looking for a wife, even by the commandment of his father. And he goes to Laban's house, as his dad had told him to, to find someone to be his bride.

When he shows up there, it's the wrong time of day, but it turns out to be the perfect time of day. He gets there, and there's a well in this land where he went to find himself a bride, and the well is covered with a large stone. And he starts asking about Laban: "How's Laban doing?" "Oh yeah, he's doing good. Matter of fact, that's his daughter bringing those sheep here to get a drink." And when he looks up and sees her, he hastens to her. He lifts the heavy stone, he rolls the stone away, if you will, uncovers the well and gives drink to the flock. And he rushes up and he kisses her. I'm telling you, my man means business. It was just a short pass — hello — that he kisses Rachel. And she runs home and tells her father, and says that Rebekah's son — Rebekah's son Jacob — was at the well today, and he kissed me, and he says he's on the way to talk to you. And when he gets there, buddy, he is so happy to see her again. It was love at first sight. The Bible says that he loved Rachel.

And Laban looks at him with a business deal and says, "You know what? You come all this way — I can tell you like my daughter; she's already told me that you kissed her as soon as you met her — but if you want to marry her, you've got to work for me for seven years." He said, "Deal. I'll do whatever I got to do. It's a deal. I'll work seven years." And the Bible does say he worked for seven years to marry Rachel. I'm telling you right now, that's commitment. Now, I'm not going to do a show of hands, but how many of you would work seven years? You went to say, "I'd like to marry your daughter." They said, "You got to work for me for seven years." And you might say, "I'm going to look for somebody else." But not him. This is the one. He worked seven years.

But there's a problem. There's a problem, because in Scripture, according to Laban, there was an unwritten law that the oldest sister has to marry before the other sisters can get married. And he worked seven years, and he comes down to a deal with Laban, and he said, "It's time. I fulfilled my seven years. Now I'm ready to marry. I'm ready to take her as my wife." And he said, "Well, there's a problem that you don't know about." "Well, what is that?" He said, "In that seven-year period — let me just — her ugly sister..." The Bible says she was tender-eyed. I've heard all kinds of preaching about this. I've heard people say, "Man, she couldn't see very good" — people trying to be nice. The truth of the matter is, when you look at the Scripture, you'll find that the Bible specifically says it this way. Can I read it to you today? It says, "Leah was tender-eyed, but Rachel was beautiful." I don't know how ugly she was, but she was not Rachel. Let's just settle the fact here right now: she's not as pretty and gifted in beauty as Rachel is.

And he said, "You have to take her to wife first, and then after you spend a week with her, then you can marry Rachel. But I'm going to need you — because now you got two wives — you got to work seven more years for me." And he agreed to do so. Could you imagine being in that situation? Certainly in a day of polygamy that we don't understand in our culture — but it was common in that day to have more than one wife. But the issue today isn't really Jacob's problem. It's now Leah's problem.

Leah is in a forced relationship. She's married to someone that's in love with somebody else. She is married to Jacob, that's always looking the other way. He really doesn't care that much about her. And she feels hated. She feels afflicted. And she certainly doesn't feel good enough. But in the obligation — and I'm going to tell you what I feel in prayer for this room — there are some of you that feel rejected. You feel hated. And every day you do not feel good enough. You were rejected by a father that walked out of your world. Rejected by somebody that compared you to somebody else. You feel not good enough. Some of you feel illegitimate. Why am I even here? There are some of you, before you even got to this meeting, you said, "It's not even — I'm not even worth to be alive. I don't have any purpose. I don't have any destiny. I don't even think God hears me when I pray. I'm always overlooked. Somebody's always talking about somebody else. If I didn't show up, nobody would miss me. If I died, nobody would care about me." You know what you are? You're acting like Leah.

I'm not saying you haven't been treated wrong. I'm not saying that you haven't been done wrong. And the truth of the matter is, her situation was so bad that Genesis 29 tells us that when the Lord saw — verse 31 — when even the Lord saw that Leah was hated — hated by her sister, despised by her husband, sorrowful opinion even of her own father, just tried to make a deal to get rid of her — she found that she was hated. She was neglected and pushed aside. And God allowed her to conceive, though. And she had a son by the name of Reuben. That was Jacob's son, even in a forced relationship. And when she had him, she thought, "This is going to be my moment. My husband is going to accept me." And she names her firstborn son this: "Behold, a son." This is it. It's as if she's presenting Jacob — when you come back from Rachel's house — "I've got — guess what? I've given you a baby boy. We've got a boy together." And he really doesn't care. He goes the other way.

And so she is naming him according to, "I hope somebody will accept me." God allows her to have another child, and she names him Simeon, because she said, "The Lord hath heard that I was hated." God has given me — and his name just meant "heard." She is naming him: "This is my moment that my life is going to turn around. This is my moment that my husband and others are going to accept me." So she named him Simeon. But it doesn't happen. She has a third child, and she names him Levi. She said, "Now this time my husband's going to be joined to me. He's going to love me as much as Rachel, or maybe more than Rachel." And she named him "joined," too. "This is my moment. It's all going to change." But you know what? Every kid she was having, she was looking at Rachel. Every kid she was having, she was looking at what she was not.

Can I say to you today, the problem with Leah was, when she looked in the mirror, she didn't see Leah. She saw, "I'm not Rachel." I said, the problem with Leah: she couldn't see who she was; she could only see what she was not. Every day she got up, she thought, "I'm not Rachel. I'm not pretty enough. I'm not good enough. I'm not loved enough. I'm not cared enough." She lived in insecurity and inadequacy.

Can I tell you today, you better be careful to fall into the trap of comparison. Comparison is the thief of joy. Did you hear me? When you look in the mirror, if all you can see is what you're not, you're going to be destroyed by insecurity, inadequacy, and even the thoughts of suicide. Come on, ladies: when you look in the mirror, all you can see is, your hair is not long enough, your skin's not colorful enough. Come on, boys: you're not tall enough, you're not fit enough. And you got the thick guys that want to be thin; you got thin guys that want to be thick; you got tall guys wanting to be shorter; shorter guys that want to be taller. Now, you can buy eyelashes, lady; you can make your eyelashes longer. You could paint yourself up to look like somebody that you're not.

The problem with Leah: she couldn't see that she was fearfully and wonderfully made. She couldn't see that she just gave birth to Levi, who's going to be the priesthood of the children. She couldn't see what she was doing. She could only see what she was not. And the devil understands: if I can just get you to live in a place of comparison, to see that you're not designed by God, that you're just a mistake that was born from your family's tree — he understands that when you live in a place of comparing yourself to somebody else, you will lose your joy. That comparison is the poison of purpose. It is the delay of ministry. And it is the fuel of envy.

Watch what an envious person — which is the root, the Bible says, of every evil work; every sin can be linked to envy; every problem can be linked to envy. Jealousy is as cruel as the grave. What's the language of envy? Are you ready? Something good happens to somebody, and you say, "It must be nice." Don't you ever say again, "It must be nice." It is the language of envy. It's the language: "If I was just prettier. If I was raised in their house. If I drove their car. If I looked like them. If my skin was a different color. If my hair was a different color."

Come on, I picked up on what the devil wants to do. You got redheads wanting to be blondes. You got blondes wanting to be brunettes. Come on, you got people wanting to change their identity because they are living in a culture that has told you, you are not God's design; you are not God's purpose. You're living in comparison. All you've ever wanted is to be accepted. All you've ever wanted is somebody to look your way and believe in who you are.

Oh yeah, I remember when social media first came out. You can be seated. Some of you won't remember this, but there was a social media platform among apostolics. It was called EC — Everybody's Connected, I think I have that right, if I remember right. I wasn't on it. But next thing you know, Facebook came out. Oh yeah, Facebook — it connects you to everybody. You can connect with old friends. You can connect with people you don't like. And when Facebook came out — are you ready? — depression for women went up 800%. You know why? Because of that right there. Put it up there, if you can. Instagram comes out. "Do you like what I posted? Do you like the picture that I posted?" Took 150 selfies to post one. Are y'all with me right now? And then you look at your buddy's page, or your friend's page, or her page, and she's got more likes on her picture than you got on your picture. Then the only thing now you realize is, "I'm not her. I'm not them. Nobody likes me. Even God doesn't seek me." Instagram leads to Snapchat, and you can look like whatever you want — an animal, if you want to; it doesn't matter. You can put ears and sparkles and do all kinds of things. I've seen pictures of people I did not recognize. Come on, don't turn me off. You know I'm preaching right now. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You can do Snapchat. You can take fast pictures. You can change yourself to look like what you think everybody else is accepting.

And I have picked up on this antichrist, godless generation — this end-time spirit movement to destroy this generation — that you will waste all of your youth years thinking about something that you're not. And I felt this in prayer this morning: quit trying to offer something to God you don't have, and just give God who you are. I am convinced — I am convinced — one of the issues with homosexuality and transgenderism is because: "You didn't accept me as a girl; I'll become a guy." And: "Because you don't accept me as a guy, I'll become a girl." And when they realize they're not accepted as a guy: "Accept me as a girl. I will identify as a season. I will identify as an animal." You know why? Because you can never satisfy the craving of comparison. It will never be good enough.

But I believe under the sound of my voice there's a young man and a young lady that says: "I know who my Creator is. I know who God is. Before He formed me, He determined my eye color. He determined my skin color. He determined my hair color." I wish some of you would break out of the deception of comparison and say, "I'm going to be what God —" Lift your hands right now and say, "I'm going to be what God wants me to be. I'm going to be what God wants me to be. I'm going to be what God wants me to be."

It's become an epidemic: 12-year-olds committing suicide in our junior highs. Epidemic. Once one does it, it goes through the school like a disease. Bullying. You should never look at somebody and tell them what they're not. That might go in your school, but it should never happen in your youth group. "Look at her outfit." Come on — making fun of somebody because of what they're not; something about their design that is different than what you think, and you degrade them because their ears stick out. You degrade them because they've got something that maybe you don't have. You know, I've learned about every bully: they got issues with their own self.

God forbid a struggling teenager come off the streets of our city, out of a broken home, out of a broken emotional place, coming in our church, and they don't feel loved either — because you're so caught up in culture, so caught up in what Hollywood is doing, so caught up in what the sports world is doing, you can't love them through the eyes of God. Can I say to you: when they walk in your church, you ought to think, "That's the next greatest preacher. That's the next greatest teacher. That's the next greatest missionary." Come on, is there anybody here hearing what I'm preaching? It's time to rip comparison out of our churches.

The problem with Leah: "Mirror — I'm not Rachel." One day she wakes up and she realizes: "I can't offer enough. I can't give enough for people to accept me, trying to be like Rachel. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to quit worrying about being like Rachel, and I'm just going to be Leah. I can't be Rachel. I don't look like Rachel. I don't act like Rachel. I don't talk like Rachel. We don't have the same voice. We don't have the same height. We don't have the same appearance, because God didn't make me to be Rachel. So if I'm ever going to be anything, I just need to go ahead and be Leah." Come on: "I'm just going to be Leah. I'm just going to be the one that God designed me. So if you don't sing, just be Leah. If you don't play the keyboard, just be Leah. If you don't preach, just be Leah. Quit trying to be something God didn't call you to be, and just be what God called you to be."

Something changed in Leah. Something changed inside of her. Because the next time that she conceives and finds out that there's a baby in the womb, she realizes: "I can't please everybody, trying to be like somebody else. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm just going to magnify the Lord." And when Judah came out of the womb, watch what she says: "Now I will just praise the Lord. I'm just going to thank You for what I have instead of worrying about what I don't have. I'm not going to church to be recognized. I've got a Designer in heaven that recognizes who I am. And if I could just be me — if I could just be what God's called me to be —" I want somebody to lift your voice and shout: "You are God's design! You are God's design! You are God's design! You are God's favor! You're God's design!"

Here's the point. Of the body of Christ: are all apostles? No. Are all prophets? No. Are all evangelists? No. You were designed to be different from somebody else. God designed you specifically for a purpose. And I believe, before you leave this meeting, you're going to find the direction toward that.

If there's one thing we can lay on the altar today, we got to lay Leah's problem on the altar and say, "I'm not going to live in comparison anymore. I'm just going to be Leah." Is there anybody here named Leah? Any Leahs in the building? Come here, [name redacted]. Come on, come on, [name redacted]. I'm not going to embarrass you too bad. Look at the mirror. Come on, that's [name redacted]. What color eyes do you have? Brown. Brown — don't turn them blue. What color hair do you have? Brown — don't make it blonde. It's the end-time design. Because if I can get you to see what you're not, you'll never become who you are. Don't ever look in the mirror and say, "God messed up. God missed it with me." You look in the mirror and I want you to say, "I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God designed me. God designed me to be something amazing in my generation. So I'm going to go ahead and do. I'm going to go ahead and become. I'm going to go ahead and be. I'm going to walk confident."

One of the greatest qualities of a person — truth of the matter is, the most attractive thing about a person is when they are comfortable in their own skin. They own the space. They don't care what anybody thinks about them, because they know they've been designed for their moment. I come to tell you: just like in Jesus's first miracle, He saved the best wine for last. And I am preaching to the last-generation church. You're the ones on whom the end of the world is sitting; the burden of it is sitting on your shoulders. I'm looking at people that will never taste death. You will hear the trumpet sound. And God said, "I've saved you for the last. I saved my best for the last. I saved my best for the end-time revival." You hear me? God's going to bring much wealth to the church. He's going to bring much confidence to the church. He's going to bring emotional stability to the church. I'm convinced in the end time the world is going to get jealous of the body of Christ. The world's going to say, "Look —" What — is there anybody glad to be a part of the church?

Leah comes out of there holding a baby. Yeah, hold the baby. It's Judah. Hold up the baby. Ready? Glory. Can you do that? You don't have to do that. God's been good to me. The hand of the Lord is upon my life. I'm not afflicted. I'm not less than. What are you doing? I'm holding the tribe — amen — of the tribe of Judah. Jesus is going to come out of this lineage. Greatness is going to come out.

I want you to look at the mirror. I know you're shy and timid. That's okay. Quiet and meek spirits, to the Lord, it's a great price. But right now I need you to be bold. I want you to look at yourself. Point at yourself and say, "Greatness. Greatness. Greatness is coming out of my life. It's coming out of my life. Greatness." Come on: "He made me the head and not the tail. Only above and not beneath. I'm blessed in the city. I'm blessed in the field. I'm blessed coming in. I'm blessed going out. God has opened unto me His good treasure." Somebody shout, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"

I'm almost 46. You know what I've learned? Is delays are on time. I've learned that unanswered prayers are answered prayers. And I've learned that inconveniences are opportunities. That's what I've learned in my 40s. I come to tell you, don't you think your delay is an oversight, is a mistake. You've been — oh, God's got you right in the palm of His hand. I wish somebody shouted like you believe what I'm preaching right now.

Her demeanor has changed. She's looking her natural self, and she's good with it. And all of a sudden, when Rachel sees her — when Rachel sees that she's no longer looking in the mirror seeing that she's not her — Rachel gets envious of her. She said, "I want to die if I don't get what she has." Rachel became envious of Leah. It's the tale of two sisters. She became envious of this lady that has found herself, that greatness is coming out of her life.

Truth of the matter is, I've learned with everybody — I don't care how much things they have — they'll struggle with some level of insecurity. You can't be in an atmosphere and it not affect you. I walked in my mother-in-law's house on a Sunday afternoon. She was fixing — she had burnt the green beans. She didn't just burn them; she scorched them. It stunk so bad. I walked in, I said, "Who burnt the green beans?" I said — I said, "Who's smoking?" is what I said. "Who's smoking in this house?" "Oh," she said, "oh, Aaron, I left the green beans on all during church. Just thankful the house didn't burn down." When I tell you green beans scorched has another fragrance. You know what I'm talking about. It stinks in there. I walked in there, sat down. I think it was baked steak and gravy, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes. It might have even been apple pie in the dessert, cup of coffee. We ate dinner. I forgot about the smell. I didn't smell it anymore. I walked out of there, forgot something — truck, I think — even after I took a nap, 'cause when my belly gets full, I get sleepy; when it gets empty, I get hangry. I walked out to the truck, walked back in the house: "My goodness, it stinks in here." You know what? You know what I learned? You can be in an atmosphere and forget how bad it is.

Hold on. Hold on. That spirit — Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, Hollywood — seeps in your house through your phone, and you smell just like it. You can smell like the antichrist and not know it. You can have desires that don't belong to you because of the atmosphere you created in your bedroom, in your car — because you pump that stuff into your life, and now you are acting the way the devil wants you to act. You're thinking the way the devil wants you to think. It's not long, you'll be participating in what he wants you to participate in. "Why am I having these thoughts?" Because you've created an atmosphere. You smell like it, even though you don't belong in it.

It's not the will of God for you to think homosexual thoughts. It's not the will of God for you to think, "I don't matter. I shouldn't be alive. I should just slice my wrist. I should cut my—" That's not God. That's the devil. God has a plan for you. God has a plan for each and every one of you. Not one of you are overlooked or a mistake. Not one.

Are there any Rachels here? Where's Rachel? Is there a Rachel? Is there a Rachel up here? I know I have a [name redacted]. Is there a Rachel? Don't be shy now. Is there a Rachel? Where's Rachel? Where's Rachel? Will you be Rachel? Come here. Here, Rachel. Step over there beside the — your secretary, if you don't mind. Just — you stand there.

Now, when Rachel looks in the mirror, the only thing she can see: she's not Leah. Some of you had it — confident in it: hand of God, the call of the camp, affirmation of a parent, the affirmation of a youth pastor, the affirmation of a prophecy somewhere. Something happened to you that caused you to look in the mirror and say, "Oh, I see — is a failure. I made a mistake. I can never fulfill what I used to be confident in." Come on, young man. "I messed up. God's done with me." Don't forget what I'm going to tell you: the gifts and the callings of God are without repentance. That means when you were not what you were supposed to be, the call of God did not change. I'm going to help somebody. You messed up. You got with the wrong person. You went the wrong direction, and you have said, "God, no way God can still use me." I'm going to tell you, His purpose for your life has not changed because of your mistake. I hear it in the back of my mind — Brother Sharp: "Rejoice not against me, O my enemy, for when I fall, I shall arise."

The problem with Rachel is, Rachel could never change it. Once envy got in her heart, she wouldn't change it. She finally had a baby with — you know, the guy that kissed her when he first saw her, and they've had this amazing relationship. It's been amazing. He's at her house every day. She's had it all. Somehow the seed of envy and comparison got in her heart. And when God gave her the prince of Egypt — Joseph, who is going to rule the world; he's going to save his own brothers; I'm talking about a young man that's going to be one of the most figurative comparisons to the Christ story like no other, Joseph — when she had him, she said — watch what she named him: "Jehovah adds." But once she said, "God added Joseph to me," she said, "I need more than Joseph." That's what it means. Having Joseph is not enough. "I'm not going to be satisfied till I have as many kids as Leah." You study it, because envy will never be satisfied.

Hold on — and if you don't get rid of this today, you're going to delay years. Oh God. You can miss your purpose, and you can miss your call, though God has placed it out there for you. But what you will do: every sermon is going to go over your head. Every opportunity is going to pass by your way. You're going to be jealous of everybody. Every time somebody gets blessed, you're going to be mad about it. Every time something good happens to somebody — they get a raise, they get the car, they got the girl, they got the guy — you're going to be jealous. They got the baby — you're going to be jealous. Because all you can see is, "I'm not. I'm not Leah. I'm not Leah. I'm not Leah."

Watch: she has a second son. Watch her last words. When the second boy is born, she's dying, and she names him Benoni. Watch: "son of my sorrow." The girl that had it all, that stayed on Instagram a little bit too long and found somebody that didn't have what she had, and an ungrateful spirit got inside of her — she couldn't be elevated enough, have enough, be blessed enough, 'cause she fell into the trap of the enemy. And she — watch, she names him Benoni. And Jacob said, "Oh no, I know what name problems are. He's going to be Benjamin." And she dies, and he buries her in a lonely grave. She died alone, buried by herself in an isolated place. Because comparison will always isolate you from the body. Always.

I wish somehow I could shake a few of you and say: "Wake up! Wake up! You're exactly how God designed you. Wake up! You're not gifted like him, but he's not gifted like you. You have stuff he'll never have; he has stuff you'll never have. Quit living thinking about something you're not."

But when Leah died — where's [name redacted]? Come here, [name redacted]. When she died, she was buried with Jacob, who was buried with Isaac and Rebekah, who was buried with Abraham and Sarah. You hear me? Do you hear me? At some point, if you don't get rid of comparison, you're going to miss it.

I feel a word for somebody. It almost appears that God has to put a struggle in our life sometimes for us to fight for what God has given us. And the person that didn't have the struggle is going to miss out, because they weren't willing to pay the price to get what they have. I come to tell some of you: you got to dig it out. You got to dig out a prayer revival. You got to dig out a prayer room. Get out of Bible study. Come on. If you don't want it, God can send somebody that does. But God wants you to have it. God wants you to have it.

Lift your hands right now. Lift your hands. Come on, I want you to lift your voice. I don't want you to worry about anybody next to you. It's between you and God. Come on, lift your voice to the Lord.

Come on, I want you to give it to the Lord today. I want every person taking this part of you and laying it on the altar. "I'm not living in comparison any longer. I'm going to be what God designed me to be." Come on, you team, help me. Ministers, if you can — you pastors, if you can — pastors, if you can. "I'm not living my life comparing myself to anybody anymore."