What Is Biblical Submission in Marriage?

Summary

Summary prepared by Acts 2:38 Life from the transcript below — the preacher’s words follow in full.

Partnership first — heirs together of the grace of life

• The question posed (in the host's frame): in the Ephesians passage (the preview gives its chapter and verse), Paul wrote: wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord (as the preview quotes it). What does biblical submission, in marriage, look like, in our Modern Age? The host's question: in that same Ephesians passage, Paul wrote: wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. And he repeats this command, in another letter passage (the question names the letter and its verse), when he says: wives, submit yourself unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord (as the quotation stands). And then in Titus (the question gives its verse), he tells the younger minister he was training, that he should teach younger women, to be obedient to their own husbands. Now, it seems like there are two very common responses, to Paul's words here. Some people get very upset, and they accuse Paul of being sexist. And then, on the other hand, we have men who — they take these verses, and they use them as an excuse, to run roughshod over their wives. What did Paul mean, in these verses? And what does biblical submission, in marriage, actually look like? The answer: let's try to delve into, what the Biblical teaching truly is. Both of the common reactions you mentioned are based on a fundamental misunderstanding, of submission, in the New Testament. So, first of all, I'd like to say: that fundamentally, marriage is a partnership. In First Peter (the verse as he gives it), the King James says: heirs together, of the grace of life. So we are equal partners. Co-equal partners. The fundamental relationship of a man and a woman is: they join together, to become one. One new family unit. And there's no Master Slave relationship. They're Partners. Now, God created the man. And then he created Adam. And then out of Adam's side, he created Eve. And he said: I'll make — the King James says — a help meet for him. Help meet: it's two different words ('help me it's two different words', as heard). Meet is an old-fashioned word, meaning suitable. So sometimes people say helpmate ('help me', as the letters carry it at that point) — that's kind of a made-up word, jamming those two words together. And maybe thinking of the related term, help mate. But that's not what the Bible is saying. What the Bible is saying: God told Adam — before he created Eve — you know, Adam named all the animals. But none of the animals were suitable companions for him. Adam was alone. There was none comparable to him ('no was there was none comparable to him', as the sentence stands). And so God said: I'm going to make a helper. Someone who can help him, come alongside him, who is suitable for him. So there's an indication: they're Partners. They're equal. They're related to each other. And the ancient rabbis explain, from that story: God did not create the woman, out of the man's head, so that she would rule over him. Nor did he create the woman, out of the man's feet, so that he would rule over her. But he created her, out of his side — so that she would be — he would love and cherish her; she would be the closest thing, to his heart (as the explanation runs). So I think that is starting to capture, what we really mean, when we talk about the marriage relationship.

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:7

Leadership as responsibility — authority equals responsibility

• Now, Ephesians 5, and the other passages you mentioned, do talk about a leadership role. Now, some believe there should be no leadership role. I do believe the husband and wife are co-equal Partners. So that every — they must have common values, common goals. Every major decision: they should pray about it, seek God, seek appropriate counsel, and make it together. And if there's a big decision they don't agree on, that's a good — that's a red flag, to say: wait, you need to pray more, you need to study more, you need to talk more. Because before you move forward, you need to be in agreement. That's fundamentally how a good marriage should work. However, in Every Family unit, there needs to be a leader. And I do believe God has chosen the man, to be the leader. And I think it's practical. It's seen in biology, throughout most of human history. Now, today, through modern technology and economics, we can kind of blur this. But if you take a look, at the way God designed humans, from the beginning: obviously, it takes both man and woman, to procreate. So in that sense, they're Partners. They're equal. The contribution, genetically, to that child, is equal. But the woman is designed, to physically bear the child. The woman is designed, to physically nurture the child. That's just a biological fact. So the woman is more suited, or designed, to take care of the small children. Well, obviously: a pregnant woman, or a woman with small children — she cannot defend herself, in the same way as a man can. Or even a woman who doesn't have children: she cannot exert the amount of physical labor, by herself, suitable for the whole family. So it's clear, that God has designed the man — and he's usually physically stronger, and suited to manual labor. Which, throughout human history — the way most people have supported themselves, is farming, fishing, Craftsmen — it required a lot of manual work. And so the man is suited, to be the protector, and the provider. And even if the woman is just as physically strong: if she's pregnant, or she has small children that she's nursing and tending, or she's not capable of — you know, or she needs someone to help her — and so the man is designed for that. And if you just think of an example: here comes wolves, or here comes, you know, a robber. You know, the man is supposed to defend his family, protect his family, provide for his family. And to do that, there's a principle, in scripture, and in human nature: Authority equals responsibility. So Authority is not just given, so somebody can exercise as a dictator. Authority is given, to fulfill an important responsibility. So God, I do believe, has given the man the responsibility — foremost — to provide for his family, to protect his family. Now, the woman is a partner in that. If you look at the ideal woman, in Proverbs (the chapter as he gives it): she's a businesswoman. She buys a field. She plants. She makes crafts. She sells them. So the ideal woman is not excluded, from being a businesswoman, or working in the home, outside the home — you know, being an economic partner, equal to her husband. She might even make more money, than her husband. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm saying: God has asked the man, to take the responsibility, to protect and provide. And I believe, even spiritually, it should be the man who says: let's pray as a family, let's go to church as a family. Many times, the woman does that. Maybe she has to do that. And thank God for women, who take the initiative. I don't criticize that. But I'm saying: God has asked the man, to take the lead. Well, if the man is supposed to be the primary leader, then he must have the corresponding Authority. So, just to take a simple example: let's say he's working in the field. Let's say the woman is working in the home, and she's got two small children. And here's a wolf coming. He yells out: close the door! Well, there's no time for arguing: who — why should I do what you say? You know, maybe you should close the door. Well, no: he has the responsibility, for protection. Therefore, there must be a corresponding Authority. Do what he says, so that he can do his job. So it doesn't mean he has a right to come in, to order people around. Beat people up. You know, abuse people, verbally or physically. Or demand, my needs first. But in the Fulfillment of his leadership role: his wife, his children, should respect that. They should cooperate. They should work together. So if he says, let's go to church, they should go to church. Now, that does not give any license — as I've already said — for physical, verbal abuse. Or contrary to God's will. There's a basic principle: we should obey God, rather than man (the verse as he gives it).

Scriptures: Proverbs 31; Acts 5:29

Mutual submission — the Ephesians 5 reading

• So let's talk a little bit more, about what does it mean, to submit. In Ephesians 5 (the verse as he gives it), it starts actually, by — there's a mutual submission, that all believers owe, to all other believers. So our whole attitude, of the Christian life, is not: who's the boss around here? But it's: how can we help one another? How can we love one another? How can we — whatever God has called you to do — how can I help you fulfill it? I'll recognize: everybody has gifts and callings. Everybody has a role to play. Everybody has a Ministry. Now, there are different types of authority, based on the different types of responsibility. But basically, our attitude is: we're all Christians together. There's no dictator. We're all here, to help one another. And so: I'm going to read from the NLT, because it brings it out. In Ephesians 5 (as he introduces the reading): and further, submit to one another, out of reverence to Christ. So the fundamental teaching is: we submit to one another. So I submit to you. You submit to me. I might be the pastor, but there's a sense, in which the pastor submits to the followers, because he's serving them. And there's a sense where the followers submit to the pastor, because he's teaching them scripture, that they should obey. But we're all submitting to everyone, at one time or another. We're all praying for one another. So the same thing, with husband and wife: there's a very real way, in which the husband submits to the wife. Because if the husband was a single adult: he can stay up all night, if he wants. He can eat pizza, all night, if he wants. He can go to work, or he cannot go to work. And if he doesn't want to get paid — he wants to slouch around — and that's his choice. But when you have a family: well, now you can't just get up, and play games all night. You gotta let your family sleep. You got to go to work. And so you have to submit, to your own family. It's a mutual submission. And so the fundamental statement is (as he reads): and further, submit to one another, out of reverence for Christ. For wives, this means: submit to your husbands, as to the Lord. Now, you might say: well, just as the Lord leads us. But also, there's implication: as the husband is christ-like. So his leadership must be christ-like. For a husband is the head of his wife, as Christ the head of the church (as the reading's letters stand). He's the Savior, the body of the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands, in everything. For husbands, this means: love your wives. Just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her. To make her holy and clean, Washed by the cleansing of the word. He did this, to present her to himself, as a glorious Church, Without spot or wrinkle, or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy, without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives, as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife, actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body, but feeds and cares for it. Just as Christ cares the church (as the reading's letters stand). And we are members of his body. As the scriptures say: a man leaves his father and mother, is joined to his wife. The two are united to one. This is a great mystery, but is an illustration, of the way Christ and the church are one ('but his illustration of the way', as the letters carry it). So again I say: each man must love his wife, as he loves himself. And the wife must respect her husband. Titus also says, for wives, to love their husbands. But notice: the main emphasis is, the husband is to love his wife. But love sacrificially, as Christ loves the church.

Scriptures: Ephesians 5:21-33

The Lewis reversal — the husband's sacrifice is the real problem

• So I read an interesting quote, from C.S Lewis. He kind of turns our perspective around. But I think he's right. He says: the real problem — the real thing I worry about — is not wives submitting, to their husbands. The real thing I'm worried about is: husbands leading their wives. Because — and what he goes on to explain: if you just read that: okay, husbands, order their wives. That's not what it's talking about. It's talking about husbands sacrificing their wife ('husbands sacrificing their wife', as the sentence stands — for their wives, in the quote's sense). So he says: the real problem, that we have in society, is not wives rebelling. It's their husbands. The real problem we have in society, is husbands rebelling, against their god-given role. Think about it: we usually think of, the wife deferring to the husband. The wife sacrificing, for the children. The wife sacrificing, the husband. Well, that's not the picture here. So we think of — the woman is the nurture (as the letters stand). I think there's validity to that. But we often think of: wife deferring to everybody else in the family, thinking of herself last. And certainly, the husband comes home — he's the Lord and Master — she caters to him. But actually, there's a different picture. The husband needs to be sacrificing, for his wife. And that is counterintuitive. So we talk about submission — we have this picture, of the wife bowing down ('of the wide bound down', as heard). The husband — C.S Lewis says — well, if we think of Biblical submission: the husband should be going around, sacrificing for his wife. Now, obviously, I'm not talking about wives being dictators over husbands, either. I'm not talking about flipping that around. I'm just saying: the perspective is different. When we usually use the word submit: it's not Master Slave. It's not dictator. It's not, I get my way. It's that we work together. And we do whatever is necessary. Sometimes the wife gives 100. Sometimes the husband gives 100. It's not just 50 50. You do what needs to be done, for the good of the couple, and the good of the family. And speaking from the husband's perspective: the husband should be thinking, not: what do I want — you know, pull the trump card: I'm the husband, so you have to do what I say. It's more in the line of: okay, what does my family need? What does my wife need? What is my children — I have to take care of them first. Then, if there's anything left, take care of me. I mean, that's really what the picture is. I will die, defending my family. I will sacrifice my life, so that they can live. I will work hard, and suffer want, before I let my kids and my wife suffer want. So the picture is, of one who gives himself sacrificially, for the benefit of his wife, and his children. And if he does that, then I think it becomes easy — for the wife, to love such a husband ('for the husband to love for the wife to love such a husband', as the sentence stands).

The close — different roles, and the outcomes for children

• But — so Paul says — I think the bottom line is: husband, you need to be the true spiritual leader, of your home. And make sure you take care of your family, like Christ takes care of you. And wife: if you've got a good husband like that, you ought to listen to him. You ought to follow him. You got to respect him. Because he's doing his job. So Paul is not talking about: what if there's a dysfunctional home? Whatever, there's an abusive home? What if there's an unbelieving home? All those things have to be considered, and qualified. But he's established, like, the basic guideline, of a mature Christian family. And I do believe that's relevant today. And I do believe, if people would follow that, we would have happy homes, and stronger churches. It's not about who's the boss. It's about fulfilling our role. Fulfilling our responsibilities, as God has given us to do. And what we are saying, against modern culture: the roles are equally important. But the role of a husband is different, from the role of a wife. And the role of a father is different, from the role of a mother. And I would just close with this, by saying: there's so many single-parent homes. Mostly moms. And we respect those moms, who raise their kids without the benefit of a father, for whatever reason. And we — and God can help them. And the church can help them. But statistics show, research shows, that the very best outcomes, for children — whether you talk about drug addiction, criminal Behavior, sexual promiscuity, economic stability, physical health — the results are much better, when the biological mother and biological father are both in the home. So the breakdown of our society is: fathers abdicating their roles. And I think Paul's words are highly relevant (the letters carry the charge as 'highly irrelevant'; the saying's sense, and the charge that follows it, run to relevance). Fathers: you need to be the sacrificial leader. Mothers, wives: if you have such a husband, you need to hold him up. You need to support him. You need to follow him. And together, you can build a Godly home.

Scripture index: Ephesians 5:22; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; 1 Peter 3:7; Proverbs 31; Acts 5:29; Ephesians 5:21-33.